Tasty, Affordable Hydration Requires no Special Coupons

By Kate Fried

The dollars you drop at the grocery store have a direct impact on your health and the health of the planet. But try to tell that to Nestlé Pure Life, a brand of bottled water sourced from municipal tap water supplies, which recently launched its “2012 Hydration Movement.” In choosing tap water (rather than bottled tap water) you reject the commodification of a vital, increasingly limited, natural resource (and the extra expense) and choose water that hasn’t been left to languish for months or even years in chemical-leaching plastic bottles.

Nestlé’s latest attempts to put a positive spin on its products by marketing bottled water as the obvious replacement for soda inspired the following satire. Read this blog in your best late-night television infomercial voice. Remember that here at Food & Water Watch, we are all for replacing bad habits with healthy ones; but bottled water is not the key to a healthier planet or a healthier you.

Do you love soda, but don’t love the excess calories, chemicals and sugar it introduces into your diet?

Are you a resident of New York City, unsure what to guzzle to sate your thirst now that Mayor Michael Bloomberg has cracked down on the sweet, bubbly stuff?

Do you love beer, wine and other spirits, but are concerned about the possible social stigma of consuming them 24-7?

If only there were a healthy, plentiful, convenient liquid to quench our thirst without any of the hassle that comes with soda.

But, WAIT! There is!

Thanks to the innovations of the multi-national beverage conglomerate Nestlé, you shall never be more than an arm’s reach away from refreshment with Nestlé Pure Life. 

Juices contain so many extra calories, and regular tap water is simply too readily available, delicious and affordable.

Concerned about completely severing ties with major multinational beverage corporations when you give up soda? With Nestlé Pure Life you get to continue to pad their pockets while spending your hard-earned money on an unnecessary product!

But WAIT, there’s more!

If you act now and give up one sugary drink a day, Nestlé Pure Life will give you a coupon for a dollar-off a bottle of their water! It’s so cheap, it’s like they’re practically giving it away! It’s almost as if the company has radically increased marketing investment in its product, and wants an even bigger return on its dollars!

A regular bottled water titan would make you pay full price for your own water. But Nestlé Pure Life has launched a “pure hydration movement” and is generously discounting its product for the extremely altruistic and agenda-free intention of tending to your every hydration need. Finally, a beverage for regular, hardworking consumers unimpressed by the convenience and affordability of tap water.

Act now, and they’ll even throw in some free chemical pollutants and up to eight unique contaminants per bottle.

THIS OFFER IS SIMPLY TOO GOOD TO IGNORE!

In all seriousness, kicking the soda habit is a commendable decision. But one bad habit should not be replaced with another; and Nestlé Pure Life should be ashamed of its attempts to manufacture demand for a product that undermines our public water resources and creates mountains of waste. When it comes to healthy thirst-quenchers, look no further than the tap (and a stainless steel water bottle if you’re on the go).